My pregnant friend has just dropped some frowny-face news on me. This makes me not want to have kids. Ever.

She was making some brown baby boys in the toilet, and when she was done, she felt like she wasn’t really done. She wiped, but it didn’t feel clean. So then she took a mirror to her butt and saw something horrific. Grapes. Tiny little bunches of grapes dangling out of her butthole. Hemorrhoids– a common occurrence in pregnant women. I nearly barfed when she told me.

Stretch marks, nausea, darkening of nipples, super hairiness all over your body.. those I can deal with as a side effect of pregnancy. But grape nuts out your butt? No thanks. I’ll stick with dogs instead of kids.