When I use the office bathroom at work, I place my keys on top of the toilet paper dispenser. I did that today, and as I was hovering while peeing I looked at my keys and noticed they were sitting on a pile of pubes. Pubes that were pulled out by their roots and placed neatly on top of the toilet paper dispenser. This was very disturbing to me not only because someone thought displaying their pubes was a good idea, but also because my keys were sitting on top of a pile of pubes. I calmly finished my business, rescued my keys, and washed them in the sink. Then I poured anti-bacterial gel all over them. Then I washed them again. And now I hold my keys only by my fingertips.. ’cause you know.. they’re contaminated. I probably wouldn’t survive a Zompoc. Too many germs. Oh.. and zombies.