Friend: I went out to the bathroom to take a shit.  But as I was walking there, some guy was also walking in to the bathroom, and he looked at me very intently. I was pretty sure he needed to take a shit too, so I walked past the bathroom, and he went into it.  I decided to go halfway across campus to the east commons bathroom to take my dump. I took a slightly longer route than I needed to, just too walk in the sun for another 10 seconds or so. I go into the east commons and turn the corner to go into the mens’ room.  And bammo – walked almost right into the same guy, also walking into the mens’ room. He looked at me intently again. Clearly we both had to shit, and we walking all over campus to find a suitable toilet.  

Me: I thought he went into the first bathroom?

Friend: He did. He apparently came right back out because maybe the stalls were full, or maybe it stank.

Me: So did you guys shit together?

Friend: No.  I let him go in to the 2nd bathroom first.  I went in and veered over to the sinks, rinsed my hands and left. I walked all the way back to the 1st bathroom.

Me: Do you know this guy?

Friend: No, but now I feel like I know him.  He’s the guy who walked back and forth across campus to take a shit, and that’s the same thing he thinks about me. Anyway, I got back to the first bathroom and went in.  There are 2 stalls.  The big handicap one and the regular one. The big one was occupied by a shitter. Clearly that’s why the guy left.  He needs to shit alone. Or in the big stall. That’s how I prefer it also.

Me: Did you shit with him?

Friend: Yes.  I went in and shat next to him.  He was silent until I was done and started working the roll to wipe. He started pulling sheets at the same time as me, so we wiped our butts simultaneously.

Me: How sweet.

Friend: Public bathrooms are always drama. They should separate the stalls with concrete full-height walls.  And they should play some cover background noise. It’s just hard to get anything done in the stall when you know the guy 3 feet from you is listening… evaluating if you are regular, or have the runs, or have gas. Only dogs want to smell each other’s poo.  Side-by-side stalls are the worst idea ever. If I wipe and flush at the same time as someone else, I usually stand in the stall and pretend to be blowing my nose or something.  I try to wait until the other person leaves the bathroom completely. Sometimes I’m standing there a long, long time.  It gets awkward ’cause he knows I’m stalling.  In the stall.  I’m stall stalling.

Me: And now he is offended you don’t want to wash your hands together after sharing an intimate poo session. Rude.