My building is undergoing plumbing renovations, so maintenance has been going in and out of my apartment bathroom. I opted to work from home today, and unfortunately for me the maintenance crew knocked on my door before I had my morning bowel movement. It wasn’t until an hour after they sealed the hallway to the bathroom area that I started popping a turtle head. I clawed at the plastic sheet to break in, and when I make it through, one of the workers was standing in the bathroom doorway staring at me like I was a crazy person breaking out of a crazy-person cell. He looked confused. “Uh, can I help you?”

“I gotta use the toilet.”

He stepped to the side to show me a dismantled toilet. The seat was still there, but the tank was on the floor. He told me I could use it, but it wouldn’t flush. I hesitated for a second but ultimately told him nevermind. I went back to my area and considered shitting in a bag, but I told myself nevermind. Instead, I changed out of my PJs and walked through melting dirty snow and falling rain to use a NYC germ-infested public toilet at a nearby retail store. Lucky for me it was only 10:30am and the bathrooms were recently cleaned, unlucky for me someone beat me to the toilet and diarrhea’d in it already. Now kinda wishing I opted to shit in that bag.