There aren’t that many public restrooms in NYC, so when you have the squirts you are basically shit out of luck in finding a bathroom. This is especially true around the holidays when the city is even more over-populated with tourists, and everyone is crowded into the one bathroom that is open to the public.

I had just finished dinner at Shake Shack in Grand Central. From there I walked 30 blocks (to burn off some calories) to the Union Square theater to buy a ticket for a movie that would play in 2.5 hours. Got my ticket and wanted something sweet to eat, so I made my way to the East Village for Pinkberry. About halfway there, I started to get minimal stomach pains. It was no biggie, but I knew that Pinkberry did not have a bathroom and that by the time I got there my intestines could be in full diarrhea gurgle mode. So I made a u-turn and went back five blocks to Union Square. I knew the DSW there had a public bathroom. When I made it up the escalator to the store, I walked towards the bathroom and saw there was a new lock on it. I asked an associate and she told me they shut their bathroom to the public. CRAP. This information made me panic, and the adrenaline caused a huge bowel movement. She told me Whole Foods next door had a toilet I could use, so I clamped my butthole shut as hard as I could and walked what felt like eternity but really was only 5 minutes. By the time I got inside Whole Foods, my bowels calmed down and I was able to hold it a little longer. I reached the bathroom only to see a line of 20 women waiting to use one of the two available toilets. I don’t remember how long it took for me to reach the front of the line. I was slightly dazed and delirious from my diarrhea sweats to recall anything while in that queue, but I made to the front with the immediate urge to blow chunks in my pants. The stall closest to the sink became available and I hurried inside. I wiped down the seat and covered it in toilet paper so I could comfortably sit down. As soon as I lowered myself onto the seat, the protective toilet paper blew off and my thighs recoiled from the cold touch of the germ-infested plastic seat. I cringed and pinched my butt shut and re-lined the seats. When I was ready to release, the bathroom became silent all of a sudden. No more hand dryer blowing, no more water running out of the sink, no one in line chatting. Complete silence.. except for the squirts coming out of my butt. Oh god the embarrassment. I couldn’t help it though, I needed to get as much poop out of my butt as possible. When I thought I was done, I wiped quickly and got out of the stall to see disgusted, staring eyes all judging me. That was when I turned and noticed that there was an open area between the stall metal wall and the bathroom tile wall that exposed my butt profile as I was shitting. Did all these women watch as I squeezed brown soft serve out of my butt? Most likely. I walked away from the bathroom line and avoided eye contact. Unfortunately, as soon as I left I had another wave of diarrhea gurgles hit my intestines. I was not going to wait in that line again, so I headed to the movie theater to use their spacious and abundant toilets even though I still had 1.5 hours until showtime. I handed the usher my ticket and she returned it to tell me I’m too early for the movie, and I should come back in thirty minutes. A look of despair came over my face, my eyes and butt were about to release some liquids. I told her I really needed to use the bathroom. She took pity on me and let me through. I ran. The bathroom had rows and rows of empty, clean stalls. I don’t think I’ve ever been this happy to be in a public restroom. I picked the toilet furthest away from the entrance and peacefully did my business. When I was done, there was a massive line outside, and I was extremely thankful for beating the crowd. After all that chaos, I found an empty bench in the lobby and waited quietly for my movie. Wishing you and your loved ones peace and readily available clean toilets in 2014. Happy New Year.