I had the best pooping day last Saturday. It started off that morning with a mediocre dump shortly after I woke up. Then after lunch I dumped another couple little logs. After dinner I started feeling diarrhea pains and I pooped another solid log. About thirty minutes later, I started having diarrhea sweats and squirted out an insane amount of poo sludge. There was so much that it covered the entire underwater bowl and peeked about an inch above the water level. The smell was atrocious, but it was a smell of satisfaction. It felt like I had emptied the entire contents of my colon, but 10 minutes later I had another bout of poop soup and turned the toilet water brown. It felt like I lost five pounds. I hopped on the scale, and to my disappointment my weight did not change. I thought for sure I’d lose at least a pound or two after releasing all that dookie.* I guess the amount of food I consumed for dinner was about the same as I pooped. If that’s the case, I need to stop eating like a fat ass.

*Measuring your weight based on how much you poop is silly. Please poop responsibly.