I’m back from my vacation. My goal was to poop at least one time while on my trip. I guess I met that goal because I pooped exactly one time. It was the first night of vacation. The waiter brought me some dry, overcooked fish for dinner. It gave me food poisoning. After I showered later that night, my abdomen went into crippling pain mode. I was in fetal position in the bathroom (standing, not lying down because I’m a germaphobe and I didn’t know how clean my hotel bathroom floor was), and it felt like I couldn’t breathe. I also wanted to vomit at the same time, but I tried to keep that from happening. My intestines made some violent gurgling noises, and that was my cue to sit on the toilet. I sat there hugging myself for a few minutes until a solid turd slowly crept out of my butthole. Not long after that there was a mudslide of poo spewing out of my ass. The smell was horrendous. This went on for a couple hours into the night. The more I went back to the toilet, the more liquidy my poo was. By my last trip, it looked like I was peeing from my bunghole. Totally nasty. Imagine if the waiter had gotten my order correct and served the fish rare like I had asked for. That would have been a whole lot more hurt.

Anyway, one good thing resulted from this. My waistline shrunk by 2 inches. Hell yeah. I looked good in that bikini.

I searched “poop soup” and this was one of the top results. WTF.