Big props to my grandparents for having the foulest bowels in my family. They stayed over the weekend in my guest room, which is one room down from mine. The guest bath is deep inside that room and around the corner. My grandmother made a number two in there with the bathroom door and bedroom door open. I was in my room with my door open. As soon as she flushed the toilet, I smelled something that closely resembled death. It was my grandmother’s poo. It crawled 40 feet from her toilet to my nose and punched it hard and continuously for the next five minutes. I had to turn on my ceiling fan to dissipate the smell. Wow, grandma. You win in stinkiest poots and toots!

Grandpa on the other hand wins in world’s loudest tooter. His bazooka butt is always firing gas at unsuspecting bystanders. The other day, it rained with light thunder. My dog is terrified of thunder and hyperventilates when he hears it. Grandpa was in the guest room taking a serious dump (with the doors open). My dog and I were in my room. About 10 minutes after the thunderstorm subsided, my dog started to relax. Then my grandpa farted. It was loud, and it sounded like thunder. My dog’s anxiety levels shot up immediately, and he looked like he was having a heart attack. Thankfully grandpa’s fart was only a single pop instead of his usual machine gun butt. My poor dog. He was on edge for the rest of the day.