i was at PetSmart the other day, and i had some minor stomach cramping and gurgling (you know what intestinal gurgling means… diarrhea cha cha cha!). i thought i could hold it for a little while as i shopped for my dog. i started filling up my cart and about 2 minutes in, the pains started getting bad. “no sweat, i can handle this and hold it for a bit longer. nothing i haven’t experienced before.” i kept shopping. about a minute later, i was breaking out in cold sweats. i had a cart full of dog food and the check out line was 3 people long. i pushed (very slowly and painfully) my cart down the middle of the store towards the front check out line. i started getting light-headed, i was a little nauseous, i was sweating, my face was turning red, and my intestines were twisting themselves in knots. i couldn’t take it anymore, so i left my cart in the middle of the store and hauled ass out of there. i probably looked like a criminal who had just shoplifted, but i didn’t care. i needed to go home and release the muddy toxins from my butt asap. that five minute drive home was an extremely painful ride, and i used all my strength to keep my butt plugged so nothing would leak out. i sped home in my car sitting in the bucket seats, wishing the seats were actual buckets so i could just get rid of the pain and my killer shit. no worries, i made it home in time without a tread mark to spare on my undies. i felt sorry for my toilet though.. and i sorry for my dog because i left his food at the store.